Through · My · Eyes

So lately I've been really stressed out about school and I'm worried about my chem grade. Normally, this wouldn't be too much of a problem for most people, but my GPA is already hurting and if I fail this class then I'm pretty sure I can't get a 3.0 this semester which means I lose my scholarship. This still isn't what I'm stressed about though. If I lose my scholarship my parents won't let me come back to UA. We're getting close now. I have to tell my parents if I fail. I hate getting in trouble and I hate disappointing mom and dad. My sister was just accepted to UA (not the same one as me, how funny though) with a full scholarship (as I was) and my brother was just accepted into TAMS (I did that too, but I dropped out) which means he'll be doing his last two years of high school at the same time as his first two years of college. And if I lose my scholarship and have to be pulled out of school, I'm going to screw up the family dynamics.

On the uphand, I've decided that if I leave UA, I won't be going anywhere else. I'll teach swimming lessons all summer, get into shape, and look for a job. Not just any job, but a job in Mexico at a resort. I want an entry level job, like housekeeping or something. Then I want to work my way up and learn spanish as I go. Then, when I've worked up to a decent job, I'm going to apply elsewhere (i.e. somewhere in Europe) and when I get there, I'm going to see all the parts of Europe I haven't yet seen on my time off. That means every where aside from England, Ireland, France, Italy, Germany, Belgium, Sweden, and the Czech Republic, though I might go visit a few of these places again.

There's only one flaw in my plan. While I have no problem picking up and leaving with out knowing what's coming, I don't know if it looks perfect because I'm scared or if I really would be better off doing something hands on. When I said work my way up, I figured I'd stop at being the general manager. I've never really wanted to sit in an office and do paper work. I know I'm smart (though I can't study worth anything) but I loved working at the movie theatre and I like lifeguarding and teaching swimming lessons well enough (lifeguarding is just a tad stressful though, I'm next to terrified that someone will need help and I won't be able to save them) but I didn't really need my brain for any of these jobs. I feel like I would be wasting something. But I'm also a good worker. I could lead, I've done that for years in my family and group work where I would get paired up with the wild kids that teachers thought needed guidance, but I'm also good at following directions.

All I know is that if I don't drop out of school then when I graduate I'm going to do one of two things: get a job and then eventually go back for my masters, or get my masters and then get a job. Either way, it doesn't look like those paths lead to seeing the world, which is all I really want to do with my life.